the truth :)





In one moment, the time it takes to pull a trigger I lost not only him but my family. My mom will never be the same, and now I find myself loving her more than ever and running away from her t the same time. I’m afraid that she will never be happy again, that she’ll never be able to leave the house on her own or get better. Who knows if she’ll ever love. No one I know except jJay undertands this, no one worries about their mom like this. I spent the first half of my life waiting for my mom to come home, wishing that she would keep her promises or be around more.. It never happened. She spent the entirety of my early high school years avoiding the house purposely and constantly so that she wouldn’t have to be near my dad. Who btw made my life hell. Then the divorce and for the first time in my life my mom was so happy.. Brian was the only reason she ever rushed home from work, he was a the reason she smiled and she stopped being mean.it took me a long time to accept him. But then for the first time my mom was around, my family ate dinner together, I had a baby brother and my house was loud and alive and it didn’t hurt as much that my grandma died too soon and Jaydee and papa Hal were gone because we still had a family. As much aaa they drove me crazy and were embarrassing and they left me out I had them there. I spent time trying to figure out how the hell I was going to have two dads in my wedding. And then he started drinking all the time and my mom got grumpy and we had a fight over the stupid fucking tv and I did what I do best. I pushed him away and I made him feel like shit and I don’t think we had a decent conversation ever after that. I got to lose my family all over again but this time I lost w brother too and I got to be my moms rock. I was put so far into the middle and then I wad pushed out. I don’t know how it happened, I’ll never know why. He came back and he was changed and he didn’t drink anymore but I wasn’t ready to forgive him, I wasnt ready for the truce and he never said goodbye. I was the last person to see him alive and he never even said goodbye. I saw him walk out with his backpack on without a word and I never saw him again. How do you do that to someone… I don’t talk about this for a reason. Nobody wants to sit and watch me bawl my eyes out over something they will never understand. No one wants to hear that this hurt me every single day. It never gets easier to know that someone left you, left your family, tore your life apart by choice without an explanation. He left a huge Brian shaped hole in all our lives, and then my mom stopped smiling. She stopped coming home from work and she almost worked herself to death. So many of her decisions were based on him, on her friends, on her work and not on me. It’s been ten months, and I still feel it. I still feel sad and Im still afraid to go home and walk down those stairs and see it there. See those moments replay like they do for me all the time. I wish for a day I could share this pain with someone so I wouldn’t feel so alone. So they could understand that just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and doesn’t mean that they could do the same. I think about going home and I picture every Monday going to chilis and lowes and doing a project… Fun day Monday’s. And blasting micheal Jackson on the way to pick up jay from school and the night he fell asleep on the porch. There was a lot that made us a family, more than anyone else saw and something I had already lost when he died but not something I will ever get over losing, not something I will ever stop missing. I still hear the kids laugh and I can still see him falling asleep every time we went on the highway and the way he would hide behind me when he was still a toddler. The way he would curl up unde my arm to take a nap or the night he fell in the deep end trying to jump to me and i thought I had a heart attack. Or the night we all took turns holding him because he wouldn’t stop screaming from his ear ache, he likes to mix the red with the blue slushy and he calls them squishes and he loves to eat oranges. He loves pizza and pancakes and he doesn’t have a bed time and it hurts more than anything. Of all the horrible things I’ve had happen, he’s still alive and I can’t get to him. I miss him every day and I worry about him and there is so much uncertainty as to whether or not he will disappear. But these are all just words



Something you wish you could forget Usually I’m pretty big on the whole every thing that has happened and every place you have been in your life has made you who you are, and if you change it then you would change yourself. I’m making an exception in this case. First let me say that I am very grateful to him for being my rock for a long time, and for inadvertently being the reason that I left Nathan. Also that I chose this picture because this is way back when with the boy who lived at home and we were all so happy. But… The boy I used to know and who was my best friend is gone. He left a long time ago and if I could just forget that he was ever there than this would stop being so painful now. I used to tell him everything, he was the only person who could calm me down every time I got so worked up, and he knew me well enough to be able to explain my thoughts back to me. There are few people especially men who have ever known me well enough for that. And then one day out of the blue, despite having promised me before that this would never happen, he decides he wants to confess his love.. probably something that one of the stupid boys at the condo told him to do, and it ruined everything. The funny thing is that knowing me as well as he did he should have expected me to not answer. He should have known that when I’m faced with something hard I avoid it. I don’t talk about feelings, I especially don’t like to hurt someones feelings, and we’ve already has this discussion before LAST summer. I understand that one could think that maybe something changed in a year, but really if I knew that someone liked me and then I liked them why in the hell would I not act on that? The point though is that he left me. He literally just decided he didn’t want to be my best friend anymore, which translated into being practically no friend at all, and that was the end of it. He stopped answering the phone, he stopped returning my texts, he saw me rarely, and it’s been that way ever since. This being the same boy that up until that point had answered every single text, every single call or called me right back, who walked outside WHILE AT WORK to give me advice and soothe my fears. I could talk to him about everything like the girls but we never fought, he never aggravated me with his response, we never had a clash of attitudes, it was literally the best of both worlds. And then it just wasn’t. And then I lost Nickels and then I had no one. So much of my world from a year ago is gone and it just makes me so sad now. The worst part though is that I still see him every now and again and sometimes he answers and he still tells me that he wants to be my friend.. and I still believe him every time. Like a child, like a fucking girl, I keep thinking that he’s going to change back into the person he used to be and it’s stupid, it’s everything that I hate, it’s being weak. I keep telling myself that he’s not but every time I send a text message I have a flicker of hope that he’ll answer and it’s crushed every time he doesn’t. I shouldn’t have to feel that way, especially when I did nothing wrong. I went out of my way to always make it clear to him that I didn’t have those feelings. I was always careful of the things we did or for example not letting him pay for my stuff which we fought about all the time, and where did it get me? Maybe I trusted him too much, maybe I got to close. But he was there for me through so much like being the only person I could talk to who when my mom and Brian were fighting all the time, and the Nathan stuff, it just happened. Now it’s just another hole in my heart and another person to miss and the last thing I need is another one of those… so poof, be gone. 

Something you wish you could forget

Usually I’m pretty big on the whole every thing that has happened and every place you have been in your life has made you who you are, and if you change it then you would change yourself. I’m making an exception in this case. First let me say that I am very grateful to him for being my rock for a long time, and for inadvertently being the reason that I left Nathan. Also that I chose this picture because this is way back when with the boy who lived at home and we were all so happy. But… The boy I used to know and who was my best friend is gone. He left a long time ago and if I could just forget that he was ever there than this would stop being so painful now. I used to tell him everything, he was the only person who could calm me down every time I got so worked up, and he knew me well enough to be able to explain my thoughts back to me. There are few people especially men who have ever known me well enough for that. And then one day out of the blue, despite having promised me before that this would never happen, he decides he wants to confess his love.. probably something that one of the stupid boys at the condo told him to do, and it ruined everything. The funny thing is that knowing me as well as he did he should have expected me to not answer. He should have known that when I’m faced with something hard I avoid it. I don’t talk about feelings, I especially don’t like to hurt someones feelings, and we’ve already has this discussion before LAST summer. I understand that one could think that maybe something changed in a year, but really if I knew that someone liked me and then I liked them why in the hell would I not act on that? The point though is that he left me. He literally just decided he didn’t want to be my best friend anymore, which translated into being practically no friend at all, and that was the end of it. He stopped answering the phone, he stopped returning my texts, he saw me rarely, and it’s been that way ever since. This being the same boy that up until that point had answered every single text, every single call or called me right back, who walked outside WHILE AT WORK to give me advice and soothe my fears. I could talk to him about everything like the girls but we never fought, he never aggravated me with his response, we never had a clash of attitudes, it was literally the best of both worlds. And then it just wasn’t. And then I lost Nickels and then I had no one. So much of my world from a year ago is gone and it just makes me so sad now. The worst part though is that I still see him every now and again and sometimes he answers and he still tells me that he wants to be my friend.. and I still believe him every time. Like a child, like a fucking girl, I keep thinking that he’s going to change back into the person he used to be and it’s stupid, it’s everything that I hate, it’s being weak. I keep telling myself that he’s not but every time I send a text message I have a flicker of hope that he’ll answer and it’s crushed every time he doesn’t. I shouldn’t have to feel that way, especially when I did nothing wrong. I went out of my way to always make it clear to him that I didn’t have those feelings. I was always careful of the things we did or for example not letting him pay for my stuff which we fought about all the time, and where did it get me? Maybe I trusted him too much, maybe I got to close. But he was there for me through so much like being the only person I could talk to who when my mom and Brian were fighting all the time, and the Nathan stuff, it just happened. Now it’s just another hole in my heart and another person to miss and the last thing I need is another one of those… so poof, be gone. 



A picture of something you wish you were better at Being a part of a group, or just being social in general. I like isolation, I don’t mind being alone and I don’t mind not talking. As a matter of fact I find comfort in silence. Maybe that is because I’ve become so accustomed to being alone, maybe years and years of coming home to an empty house changed me a little. Seven years I came home to an empty house after school, three years of being alone in the house minimum three days a week, and years before all of it where I made my own food and I was used to doing things for myself. Roseanne just told me again a few days ago how amazed she was when I was five years old able to work a can opener and a microwave. I’m just too used to being in my comfort zone where I don’t have to interact with people and I really need to work on it. 

A picture of something you wish you were better at

Being a part of a group, or just being social in general. I like isolation, I don’t mind being alone and I don’t mind not talking. As a matter of fact I find comfort in silence. Maybe that is because I’ve become so accustomed to being alone, maybe years and years of coming home to an empty house changed me a little. Seven years I came home to an empty house after school, three years of being alone in the house minimum three days a week, and years before all of it where I made my own food and I was used to doing things for myself. Roseanne just told me again a few days ago how amazed she was when I was five years old able to work a can opener and a microwave. 
I’m just too used to being in my comfort zone where I don’t have to interact with people and I really need to work on it. 

A picture of something you’re afraid of The more days that pass the more it feels like he was never here in the first place. The longer I go without thinking about it the more I worry that I just made it all up in my head. That it was never as bad as I thought it was, and that I never should have been afraid in the first place.  I understand why he was confused when I left, and why he didn’t take me seriously when I said I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I’d said and done the same things so many times, and here I was all of the sudden changing my tune. So many months had passed, so much time had elapsed, since the last bad thing had happened and I was still talking to him until one day I didn’t. I broke up with him on Christmas and right after his cousin had been shot and he’d just gotten out of jail and barely had friends.  And then I told the truth. Then all of the sudden I had the balls to do what I’d been trying to do for so long. I had tried so many times to get away from him but he’d wait by my house for me or threaten me and I was never ready to face those threats. He broke my spirit. I’ve never been one to bite my  tongue but I started to have to because he would escalate and snap if I didn’t, and that was the worst part. I couldn’t call him out on his shit anymore because he would hurt me, he didn’t punch me or leaves bruises but he would push me into things or kick me or choke me. Basically he would use his size and strength against me in any number of ways and say to me if I wanted to hurt you I could. The point though was that he was getting worse, not better. He wasn’t going to just stop doing those things one day, and he’d find other reasons to be pissed at me and I would have been hurt so much worse than I was.  One day I just changed my mind. One day I realized that I flinched and my eyes filled up with tears as a reaction to him walking towards me while we were arguing. One night he followed me home and tried to force me to go somewhere with him and I realized that if something didn’t change I was going to be a slave for life. One night Matt told me that he’d fight for me and I realized I wasn’t alone. One night he cheated on me and I had an excuse to break up with him and the benefit of 2000 miles between us to be safe. I had a summer of freedom surrounded by all these awesome people, and I started to realize what life could be like without him around. One night he called me and tried to tell me I couldn’t hang out with Eric anymore and I decided that he wasn’t worth it. One day my grandpa told me that if I was talking to him again to not even bother coming. One day on a computer in Pine Top AZ I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. One night in a pool hall I talked to Nick for the first time in months and he told me not to deal with that shit. My last conversations with him were that night. The last time I ever talked to him and the last time I ever will.  He never stopped trying to talk to me. A year passed, and he never stopped. He tried to apologize, although for what I’ll never know, and I never stopped being afraid. I wish I could have heard one of those apologies, just for my own peace of mind but I never will. The minute I heard he’d died I stopped feeling afraid. I would say I felt relief but as much as I’d cursed him I really only wanted him to not be my nightmare. So much of who I am now is a direct result of the life I’d lived with him. The point of this though was something that I’m afraid of. Not only was I afraid of him in life, which I hated btw, because I never wanted him to have that power over me but I am afraid of men now because of him. When I would go out and someone would suggest doing something and I would say no and they would insist, or when a guy would not stop hitting on me despite my telling him no, or when a guy gets angry, and my heart starts to race and I get defensive and mean and all these alarm bells start going off in my head like YOU’RE BEING FORCED, RUN! Even the people that I trust still set off the flags and I have to consciously calm my mind.  Thanks Nathan

A picture of something you’re afraid of

The more days that pass the more it feels like he was never here in the first place. The longer I go without thinking about it the more I worry that I just made it all up in my head. That it was never as bad as I thought it was, and that I never should have been afraid in the first place. 

I understand why he was confused when I left, and why he didn’t take me seriously when I said I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I’d said and done the same things so many times, and here I was all of the sudden changing my tune. So many months had passed, so much time had elapsed, since the last bad thing had happened and I was still talking to him until one day I didn’t. I broke up with him on Christmas and right after his cousin had been shot and he’d just gotten out of jail and barely had friends. 

And then I told the truth. Then all of the sudden I had the balls to do what I’d been trying to do for so long. I had tried so many times to get away from him but he’d wait by my house for me or threaten me and I was never ready to face those threats. He broke my spirit. I’ve never been one to bite my  tongue but I started to have to because he would escalate and snap if I didn’t, and that was the worst part. I couldn’t call him out on his shit anymore because he would hurt me, he didn’t punch me or leaves bruises but he would push me into things or kick me or choke me. Basically he would use his size and strength against me in any number of ways and say to me if I wanted to hurt you I could. The point though was that he was getting worse, not better. He wasn’t going to just stop doing those things one day, and he’d find other reasons to be pissed at me and I would have been hurt so much worse than I was. 

One day I just changed my mind. One day I realized that I flinched and my eyes filled up with tears as a reaction to him walking towards me while we were arguing. One night he followed me home and tried to force me to go somewhere with him and I realized that if something didn’t change I was going to be a slave for life. One night Matt told me that he’d fight for me and I realized I wasn’t alone. One night he cheated on me and I had an excuse to break up with him and the benefit of 2000 miles between us to be safe. I had a summer of freedom surrounded by all these awesome people, and I started to realize what life could be like without him around. One night he called me and tried to tell me I couldn’t hang out with Eric anymore and I decided that he wasn’t worth it. One day my grandpa told me that if I was talking to him again to not even bother coming. One day on a computer in Pine Top AZ I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. One night in a pool hall I talked to Nick for the first time in months and he told me not to deal with that shit. My last conversations with him were that night. The last time I ever talked to him and the last time I ever will. 

He never stopped trying to talk to me. A year passed, and he never stopped. He tried to apologize, although for what I’ll never know, and I never stopped being afraid. I wish I could have heard one of those apologies, just for my own peace of mind but I never will. The minute I heard he’d died I stopped feeling afraid. I would say I felt relief but as much as I’d cursed him I really only wanted him to not be my nightmare.

So much of who I am now is a direct result of the life I’d lived with him. The point of this though was something that I’m afraid of. Not only was I afraid of him in life, which I hated btw, because I never wanted him to have that power over me but I am afraid of men now because of him. When I would go out and someone would suggest doing something and I would say no and they would insist, or when a guy would not stop hitting on me despite my telling him no, or when a guy gets angry, and my heart starts to race and I get defensive and mean and all these alarm bells start going off in my head like YOU’RE BEING FORCED, RUN! Even the people that I trust still set off the flags and I have to consciously calm my mind. 

Thanks Nathan



A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Taegan Haa

Literally, and causatively, she’s impacted my life in a huge way since before she was even born. My move to Texas in two months would never have happened if ab hadn’t gotten pregnant and therefore married. But so much more than that she makes me smile every time I see her, her happiness makes me happy. She isn’t even mine, but every time she hits a milestone I get so excited and proud of this little girl that was barely a thought two years ago. She’s the only person these days that I actually try to keep my attitude in check with. I have to remember to be patient because there’s a lot she can’t do, and because a lot of the time her attitude reflects ours. When I’m aggravated and grumpy, she gets all huffy and then I have to try a different approach since clearly no one wants to sit in the car with a screaming baby. 

The best part though, when she sees me and she makes that cute little smiley face and I feel so special and loved. This girl with such a pure little baby heart thinks that I’m great and I feel great because of it. She stares right into my eyes for soooooo long and I swear she is sorting through my thoughts, she’s all knowing. 

A picture of something that means a lot to you My puppy doodle pants/child. She’s a little devil that steals underwear and trash and makes a mess everywhere all the time, but she greets me every time I walk in the door like it’s the first time she’s seen me in months. Like she was seriously concerned that I was not coming home, and it’s just the bee knees that I have. Plus I feel a lot less awkward talking to her than I do to myself lol.

A picture of something that means a lot to you

My puppy doodle pants/child. She’s a little devil that steals underwear and trash and makes a mess everywhere all the time, but she greets me every time I walk in the door like it’s the first time she’s seen me in months. Like she was seriously concerned that I was not coming home, and it’s just the bee knees that I have. Plus I feel a lot less awkward talking to her than I do to myself lol.

A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel It looks like heaven to me, and I have a thing for waterfalls :) 

A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

It looks like heaven to me, and I have a thing for waterfalls :) 



A picture of something you wish you could change I wish more than anything that I could bring the life back into this house. A year ago there would have been noisy people going to bed late and waking up early, we’d have been eating dinner at 11 and making a ruckus every where we went. It was tough, and we got on each others nerves, and there was definitely a lot of yelling. But there was so much laughter and joking and just ridiculousness. I hate knowing that if I move away my brother and my mom will be all alone. I hate thinking that my brother might celebrate his next birthday with just my mom. I hate not knowing if my mom will end up alone. I wish so much that I could go back to September and call a truce or go back to March and never start the fight in the first place and maybe then all of this would have been different. The emptiness in this house is so heavy and all I can ever think is that it’s so unfair.

A picture of something you wish you could change

I wish more than anything that I could bring the life back into this house. A year ago there would have been noisy people going to bed late and waking up early, we’d have been eating dinner at 11 and making a ruckus every where we went. It was tough, and we got on each others nerves, and there was definitely a lot of yelling. But there was so much laughter and joking and just ridiculousness. I hate knowing that if I move away my brother and my mom will be all alone. I hate thinking that my brother might celebrate his next birthday with just my mom. I hate not knowing if my mom will end up alone. I wish so much that I could go back to September and call a truce or go back to March and never start the fight in the first place and maybe then all of this would have been different. The emptiness in this house is so heavy and all I can ever think is that it’s so unfair.

A picture of yourself and a family member My baby brother :) I never would have believed a few years ago that I’d ever see the day where we could talk to each other, but we do. We understand each other, we fuck with each other, we laugh. I love having him around, especially these days since he’s the only man around this house. He’s in charge of trash, all the heavy lifting, killing the bugs, playing security, checking the noises, and protecting the fort. He’s my constant in a world of chaos and he’ll keep being my constant probably longer than anyone else. We are the only two people in the world who feel the losses in the same way and the only people who care when our parents fight. I love him a little more every day <3

A picture of yourself and a family member

My baby brother :) I never would have believed a few years ago that I’d ever see the day where we could talk to each other, but we do. We understand each other, we fuck with each other, we laugh. I love having him around, especially these days since he’s the only man around this house. He’s in charge of trash, all the heavy lifting, killing the bugs, playing security, checking the noises, and protecting the fort. He’s my constant in a world of chaos and he’ll keep being my constant probably longer than anyone else. We are the only two people in the world who feel the losses in the same way and the only people who care when our parents fight. I love him a little more every day <3



A picture of something you want to do before you die I want to go to the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta, and rent a balloon. There are a lot of things I really want to do before I die, but this one&#8217;s pretty high up there. I want to see the world from the sky, to defy gravity but still be in the open air. I bet the view is amazing, and a desert sunset from that view, oh boy :)

A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to go to the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta, and rent a balloon. There are a lot of things I really want to do before I die, but this one’s pretty high up there. I want to see the world from the sky, to defy gravity but still be in the open air. I bet the view is amazing, and a desert sunset from that view, oh boy :)